dancing in the rain

On Monday, September 12, 2005 I wrote the post below: Read to the end for what makes this post different 3 years later.

Happiness??

How do we achieve true happiness? How can I be happy? And what makes me unhappy and can I prevent it? These are questions I have been asking myself lately. I often sit and think, where would I be if I had done things differently about 5 years ago. Most of you know that I took 3 1/2 years off from school to work and to try to get my life in order after a few trials. But this decision has haunted me every since I made it. You see, I was at a private Christian school for my freshman year but I was "unhappy" so I decided to return to Oxford and go to Ole Miss. Due to this decision, I lost a semester's worth of hours and the major that I wanted was not longer offered about mid way through my sophomore year. To make a long story short, I have been haunted by people asking me why I didn't stay at Freed-Hardeman ( with the comment to follow you could be married by now if you would have stayed), when are you going to graduate?, but it doesn't stop there. I deal with comments like your younger sisters are all going to graduate before you; why don't you date, you are never going to get married, then there is always the flip side when you get married, and the most common one lately is you will never move out of Oxford, you are always going to work for your dad.
So I guess you are wondering where I am going with this. I have struggled with depression in the past and have a fear of struggling with it again. But I am really struggling with what makes me happy and wondering why if I am happy why can't people be happy for me. For example, being single is not always easy (especially when you have two younger siblings that are married), but a lot of the time I enjoy being single and being able to go and do the things I enjoy without having to check-in first. I will admit that there are times when I would like to have someone to go and do all the things I enjoy with me. But I feel like the people around me are more concerned about the fact that I am not married. Then there is the whole leaving Oxford and finding a new job thing.. I do want to get out of Oxford, but every time I hear you aren't going anywhere it makes me want to leave that much more just to prove a point, but then I question am I doing this because it is what I want and it will make me happy or am I just doing it to prove those around me wrong.
I can't change the decision I made to come back to Oxford for school, or the decision to take time off from school. I will never know if I had stayed at Freed, that I would be married. I don't know where I would be if I had finished school 5 years ago.
But I do know that I will graduate in December and that I will finish what I started almost ten years. I am looking for jobs outside of Oxford, but I don't know if that will happen. Being single is the point I am at right now, so I have to accept that.
Now that I have rambled on, back to my question...
I want to be happy more than anything and I want to be content with the decisions that I made in the past and make the most of them now, but I am not sure exactly how to do that. I think my biggest problem is that I want what I can't have and it is starting to consume me.
I have tried to be reliant on God and trust that he knows what is best, but I am sad to say that the voices around me are louder than His.
How do I keep those decisions from the past from haunting me? How to I rely on God completely?

Well it is almost 3 years since I wrote the post above - hard to believe. Some things have changed and some things have remained the same.
I am still single, a Christian, my youngest sister is getting married to join the 2 that already are and I am not in oxford anymore- but the main difference in the post in 2005 and todays is that I am happy! I have found true happiness and it is in God. The past is no longer haunting me. I can't change the past I can only live for the future. I can answer my own question - I can rely on God completely by putting him first and taking the focus off of myself! When I am looking outward to others, God is blessing me inwardly. Yes, I am still single and yes, I am dealing with all the same questions of why I am not married - but I have a new answer. I am living everyday as if it were my last with God by my side. I have found how well I can serve God single, so until he sends that special someone my way, I am focusing on those around me and their needs. I am not perfect and I still have my hard days, but ultimately I am happy because God is in control and I know how blessed I am.
It is amazing what God, 3 years and patience can do for you!